For Want of An Easier Word....

Calling it my bug-bear might be giving it too little credit. Calling it my demon will be placing it on a pedestal too high..but for what it's worth, it's the one thing that's been a constant source of fear, apprehension, tension what not...

As far as I remember, I've had the problem of stammering. At varying stages, it has had varying effects on my psysche, though the bigger the stage, the bigger the albatross around my throat. i guess it would suffice to say that this has been one demon that has never been slayed till now. There are still periods when my confidence reaches its nadir, with words refusing to come out, come what may. ( Actually this was something which got thinking a cpl of weeks back...me knows and many ppl have commented that I've never really come across as a confident person..my doubt is..did my lack of confidence compound my stammering or was it the other way?? bit of a chicken or egg I guess...)

Anyway, two days back, I finally got around attending a meeting of the Dallas chapter of the National Stuttering Assn( N.S.A). The first thing that they strive to explain is that "this is not a place where stuttering is cured, but a place where stuttering is actually encouraged!!" It is a place where a stutterer can come, talk, stutter, stutter more, listen to people who stutter even more, without any inhibition...and therein lies the key...

Getting a stutterer to get rid of his fear of talking is winning half the battle. Practically every single time I speak, I scan my words before I speak, consider the difficulty level of the word chosen and if need be, perform a quick mental word-substitution and try to complete the sentence. It's partly the reason for me sounding absolutely non-sensical at times, going round and round. I've even read about instances where people have changed their names for want of an easier name to say ( Karthik's perenially difficult to say..but I guess I cannot imagine myself being anybody else..:D)

With this fear constantly preying a stutterer's mind, speaking become even difficult and ultimately impossible. So the NSA does an amazingly good job of getting people to come out of their closets.

Stuttering without the fear of humiliation, in the midst of similar people does provide a HUGE lift to a stutterer's psyche. And ultimately, whether the stutterer gets cured of the physical impediment or not, he would well and truly been on his way to a much more satisfying life...For, many a time I've not ( and continue to) volunteered to talk/answer simply because of this. And I've been through situtations where my lack of answering has been construed as a lack of knowledge. Debilitating, yes, but not half as difficult as having to go through the torture of speaking.

It's far too early to say what effect the NSA will have on me, but at the very least, it's helping me get out of my closet far more readily. Getting to meet people who consider stuttering to be just another facet of their self and not THE defnition of their self is indeed inspiring. One of the head honchos of this group, Russ Hicks is an ex-TI-er, very severe stutterer and a famous Toastmaster...gives amazing speeches..pretty popular ones..Has some amazing write-ups on stuttering on the net..MUST-READ ones. It defly was relieving to hear so many people talking about the very same experiences you've gone through and that's the objective of the NSA..to make you realize that you aren't alone and that you've absolutely nothing to fear..

The need of face myself in the mirror has finally caught up with me...just the beginning of a long, arduos, but ultimately promising journey...

"Vaarthai Thavariyumey, Kannammaa, Vaazhkai Thodarndhadhadi...

Naetru Nigazhndhadhellaam Kannammaa, Nenjam Marandhadhadi..."

P. S - http://www.nsastutter.org/ - NSA website

http://www.russhicks.com/#Writings - Russ Hicks' writings...